It's a strange sadness and I can't quite wrap my head around it. But the two good things about my situation are this:
My life is almost unforgivably convenient. How awful for those people who are stuck in an unhappy relationship. Not only are they suffering something akin to heartache but they're being forced to do it around someone else's life. I am grateful that if I'm in the mood for pizza there is no discussion of what toppings to get or if I want to watch tv not only do I get to pick what I watch but I also get to control the volume. I never have to pretend that I'm happy to see someone or ask someone about the banal trivialities of their day. If you decide to go through a period of self-pity and sadness it's really nice to not have to compromise much while you're going about it.
The other nice thing is that I'm really not broken up about any one person in particular. I don't feel like my romantic happiness is contingent on this one person who just destroyed me. It's true. There are moments when something might trigger a memory and make me pine for someone from the past but that actually happens in regard to many of the women I have had relationships with over the years. So, while sitting at Starbucks one morning I might suddenly think about an irreplaceably magical moment with one girl but later, that afternoon, at Starbucks I might get all soft and mushy thinking about another. Not to mention the girls that I would like to ask out but can't due to a crippling fear of happiness. My imagination has always been more vivid then my memory so I can get butterflies just imagining the great times to be had with all these other beautiful women dancing around in my head that I just can't work up the nerve to ask out for a pizza.
That said I do feel a mysterious pang in my heart. I suspect that part of it is that the aspect of me which yearns to sing about love and romance has lost his voice again. No reason to sing if there's no one around to hear it...you know? And also a pang for all the memories that I created with these various women that feel like they have been rejected and discarded. That's probably being a bit overly dramatic (but this is me) but in many ways it's true. If I had known that she was simply going to end our relationship one day I wish I could transfer that beautiful memory I had with her to someone else. If one person can walk away from the power of a memory it's rather sad that the other cannot. A shame that we don't all wind up in love with our sixth grade sweet hearts so that those memories which are created over the course of a lifetime can be shared forever. As it stands, I have a lot of wonderful memories that will always be mine alone. Those that might have shared them are gone from my life almost as though they were dead and their ghosts can haunt me from the past in my head.
On a larger level it is saddening because it really does make me feel like an outcast from society. How is it that everyone else can find a match (the retarded, the ugly, the assholes, and even the homeless) but somehow I get left alone? How is it that I have come to be ostracized? Probably my own doing I know but I don't even understand where I went off track. I see all the happy pairs everywhere I go. How did that happen? How did everyone find someone to fall in love with but me? Am I really that much of an outlier? So strange that I couldn't even find a kindred weirdo?
Sorry--just ranting. I'm not actually very sad. Just a little sad. Still not exactly sure why though. I'm going to get some more coffee.
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