First snow eh? Well, I'm not particularly given to boasting and I hate to play the one-up game; however, I feel it would be remiss if I didn't mention that Alabama got its first library last week. Not only that--the Governor has arranged for a couple of nice folks to fly in from Atlanta to show us to operate books. Apparently you've got to learn to read (whatever that means.) He said that when he spoke with them on the telephone they described reading as "looking at words." Ain't that just crazy? I tell you, technology is here to stay. Me and some other folks tried to get a leg up on this reading business by yelling as loudly as we could at each other but none of us saw a thing. We're pretty excited for those city-folk to get here and show us how to do it.
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If by a little noise you mean myriad tirades against the holiday season, then yes...I made a lot of noise. Tempting to send you some of the polemic e-mails I wrote about it all for my friends. However, they probably stretch the bounds of decency a bit too far. Suffice to say I'm not a big fan of the holidays. As soon as New Year's Eve is over I can finally relax and enjoy the chillier weather without having to worry about being forced to mingle with strangers I don't care about over watered down drinks at someone's house I don't like while trying to avoid having a seizure due to their flashing light, reindeer themed tie. Particularly difficult to do when they just got it and remind you of how funny the thing is every five minutes. Sometimes I think couples rehearse the stories they're planning on torturing me with before they show up. I think that because I can overhear them retelling the story to other people with the exact same "interruptions" and jokes.
Apologies--I've been told I'm like Scrooge and the Grinch all rolled up into one bitter, sarcastic ball of holiday anger. I should make an effort to try to and be more merry but is there any good reason to celebrate something that closes down every restaurant in town? I don't even know how to turn my stove on. The little bit of foresight I did exercise before yesterday was in buying plenty of cigarettes before the great city-wide shut down.
Oh! Oh! I've heard Christmas in New York is beautiful but let me tell you, Christmas in the buckle of the Bible Belt is like nothing most sane people have ever dreamed of. It is the craziest mixture of religious zealotry, patriotic fervor and cheap looking lawn decorations outside of NASCAR. Throw in a lot of booze and a big sale at Wal-Mart and you've got the redneck equivalent of Through the Looking Glass as written by Jeff Foxworthy on an amphetamine bender.
Okay, I better stop.
Glad to hear the weather is nice in sanity land. I should have gone to San Diego and stayed.
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Life hasn't been too bad actually. Alabama's stunning transformation into a progressive land of milk and honey continues unabated. We are diligently adopting many of the social and technological marvels developed during the Renaissance at a pace that would give a stalactite a heart attack. I think we reached a cultural milestone recently when the last tornado to come through town destroyed apartment buildings instead of trailer parks. We are quite proud and touted how much better wall board looks flying across the sky than wood paneling. Fortunately no Waffle Houses were destroyed so although some people were left homeless, bloody and financially devastated no one was deprived of their daily allotment of grits.
Nevertheless, it was a tragedy in Alabama and a lot of prayer groups were quickly formed to beseech Paul "Bear" Bryant to treat the victims of the storm with charity and kindness. Apparently it worked because shortly thereafter it was announced that Conway Twitty will soon be releasing another greatest hits album.
Not that I'm bitter about living in the punchline of a country that has 300 million people or anything. I'm just saying.
Please let me know if tomorrow will be okay for that list. Thanks for saying good things about me to the boss too. Always nice for him to hear good things about me from someone other than me.
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Sorry about the storms. If you care to send a few my way it would actually be much appreciated. We've been averaging a high around 100 with a humidity level of 99.999999% for the past several weeks. Absolutely ferocious. Even the locals are complaining about the heat--I suppose at some point I'll have to concede that I'm local...but not yet. I find myself enviously staring at guys walking by in their loose-fitting, sleeveless t-shirts featuring race cars, eagles, hunting dogs, or clever reflections on life lovingly emblazoned on their chests. I feel guilty and stupid when I remember the scorn I used to feel for people who would patronize some of our nicer restaurants (Waffle House) without shirt or shoes (yes those signs are there for a reason), now I humbly confess that the veil of ignorance has been lifted from my eyes and what I considered to be low-class and shameful was actually a Darwinian adaptation to the local environment. Survival of the most scantily clad. I've started wearing sandals to work not because Jerry Garcia's music has taught me to love my fellow man and I wish to express those fraternal feelings through the use of minimalist footwear; rather, wearing socks in this weather is a bit like going to Dr. Kevorkian for a head cold.
There are bodies of the hopelessly hip lining the streets here in Montgomery. Women who insisted on wearing faux-fur lined boots despite the obvious danger and didn't make it to the air-conditioned safety of the strip mall before collapsing into a wonderfully fashionable lump that smells of Lacost form a glamorous walkway of the dead into some of our swankier retail establishments.
There was a time when the most dangerous job around here was being the game warden--hunting laws receiving roughly the same level of respect as Jackson Pollack's work in Alabama--but these days there is a new way to earn money and court the specter of Death in Dixie: become a weatherman. Folks seem to have decided that since their particular deities were not a good target for blame, they would hold weather people responsible for this little hot spell. I know these people. Frustration will eventually manifest itself into violent action and if weathermen don't 'decide' to lower temperatures a tad they're going to have to start wearing kevlar. One thing I can comfortably say about my peers here--they are not all talk and no action.
Oh well. Frankly, a few more days of this heat and I'll probably join the rioting mob as we drag the weathermen out of their homes and force them to wear the entire North Face winter catalog.
Hope things get better in NYC--but not before they do here,
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